A New Year - Hope, Opportunity, Challenge, Worry, Peace

Christmas 2009 is past. The decorations are down. The three 'boys' (now 20,24 and 26) are gone back to Montreal or Toronto. The accompanying hordes of friends are gone back, and the house is quiet. Attention is now turned to the 'turning of the page'. I returned to work part time this week. People have been very kind and gracious. Lots of welcome hugs and best wishes, and even thoughtful, polite applause at a Surgery/Anesthesia meeting. I didn't seem to forget anything critical, and surgery went just fine. However, fatigue was noticeable by week's end. The gentle pace recommended by the many concerned women in my life was wise (Joan, Mom, Cathy, Carla, Sue, Carolyn, Mirielle and others).

A reality check did occur this week. It was the fifth anniversary of the tragic death of Chris Driscoll, January 9th, 2005. We shared company with the Driscolls last evening, laughed, shared stories, and a few tears. Don't we know how so much can change drastically so fast.

A second reality check occurred the same day, when I had a long chat with a man I have known for over 20 years, of my age, just diagnosed as I was with liver metastases, this time likely from pancreatic cancer. A father, great fellow, contributor to our community, who is facing a very uncertain future. When I faced this, many fortunate events followed. I enjoyed very successful experimental treatment, and the future looks much brighter. I pray he will be as fortunate.

My son Steve, aiming now for medical school in 2011, is exploring what he has learned from his father's recent experience and his mother's long experience in palliative care. With the mentorship of Dr. Ray LeBlanc of Dalhousie, under the Governor General's Order of Canada Mentorship program, he will pursue further understanding of the bio-psychosocial-spiritual dimensions of health. We have all learned that health is much more than the absence of disease. He hopes to learn this personally, to network with others at medical school with similar views, and to possibly contribute to a broadened enlightened viewpoint within his class and later, his practice and profession.

We have all found a recent book called ' Anti-Cancer, a new way of living', written by David Servan-Schreiberan MD PhD, an excellent well researched resource on this topic. This author himself had a brain tumour. After treatment, facing a high chance of recurrence, he asked his oncologist "What can I do to help my chances of survival?". The answer he received was essentially " Look after yourself, and what will be, will be." He was not satisfied with the answer, and used his considerable skills and resources to research what turned into his personal answers, and this book. It is ideal for those of us brought up in the era of 'evidence based medicine' as the Holy Grail.

For me, I try to balance making the most of today, looking forward to the coming week, trying to get stronger and more active. Meanwhile I must accept without being preoccupied, the reality that it could all change dramatically with the next CT scan, scheduled for Wednesday January 27th. As I said early on in this journey, I try only to worry about the things I can control, which is less than I thought a year ago.

I try now to consciously be aware of the many things for which to be grateful. This mainly focuses on my closest relationships, and the well being of those I care about. Most other things are clearly 'small stuff'. I realize that 'nothing stays the same' and that we live with constant change, even if we are not aware of it. As someone once said "No one gets out of this life alive. There are no U-Hauls behind hearses." What matters is what we do, what we value, what we worship, and how much we love, while we are temporarily here.

Thank you to the so many of you following this blog, who have been so kind, thoughtful and compassionate to me and my family in 2009. Thank you for your interest in my welfare, and your prayers and thoughts. I am not alone. I hope that any of you facing challenges, pain and difficulty in this coming year are similarly blessed. One word of advice -- you can only know the wellspring of care and support out there if you share your pain and vulnerability with others. We spend far to much time pretending we are self sufficient and don't need each other. We are all scared children at heart, under the veneer adulthood layers on. Four hugs a day - minimum. Doctor's prescription.

Ian